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Consent is everything in the world of kink and BDSM. Recognizing and understanding the differences between domestic violence and BDSM can not only help end social stigma, but can also help kinksters spot the warning signs.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to gain, force, or maintain control and power over a partner. It doesn't have to be physical or sexual; it can also be emotional, psychological, and financial.

Domestic abuse doesn't discriminate and can happen to literally anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, religion, gender, or level of "kink." It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and can occur at any stage of a relationship, from dating to decades of being together.

Difference between abuse and BDSM

Below, I'll present detailed examples of abuse related to specific forms of BDSM. If you recognize any of these abusive examples from a current or past relationship, we encourage you to discuss it with a therapist.

1. Physical abuse vs. physical sadomasochism

  • PHYSICAL ABUSE

    Harming or attempting to harm a partner through violent acts such as hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, pulling hair, etc. Physical abuse can also include denying medical care or forcing someone to consume alcohol or drugs.

  • PHYSICAL SADOMASOCHISM

    The giving and/or receiving of physical pain between consenting adults. It can be violent but is done in a way that minimizes the risk of harm to the partner. This activity should NEVER deny a partner medical care or force him or her to take drugs or alcohol. A good kinkster understands that both parties must be alert during a scene.

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EXAMPLES:

PHYSICAL ABUSE

  • Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks, or chokes without consent
  • Throws objects, punches walls, or causes other damage to property when angry
  • Uses a weapon to threaten or harm you
  • Physically or psychologically harm your children, whether they are their parents or not
  • Forces or manipulates you into having sex or performing sexual acts and ignores your feelings and feedback regarding sexual activities
  • It prevents you from seeking medical care

PHYSICAL SADOMASOCHISM

  • Any physical act - from slapping to sex - is discussed first and is mutually accepted by both parties.
  • Physical S&M does not involve destruction of property
  • Kinksters are aware and use all safe props, are committed to reducing risks and all activity is done with consent.
  • He would never harm a child
  • Physical S&M doesn't always involve sex, but if it does, be careful to respect the limits and boundaries you set.
  • He always keeps a first aid kit handy, takes care of any wounds and seeks medical attention.

2. Emotional Abuse VS Emotional Sadomasochism

  • EMOTIONAL ABUSE

    Undermining the partner's feelings of self-worth through extensive criticism, gaslighting, belittling abilities or achievements, etc. Damages the partner's relationship with their children, friends, or other family members.

  • EMOTIONAL SADOMASOCHISM

    The giving and receiving of emotional pain between consenting adults. Emotional sadomasochism involves humiliation, but only with the explicit consent of both parties.

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EXAMPLES:

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

  • He doesn't trust you and acts jealously or possessively
  • You isolate yourself from family and/or friends
  • Degrades or humiliates you without your consent
  • He punishes you by withholding affection
  • Threatens to harm: you, children, your family, or your pets
  • Want complete oversight of where you go, who you talk to, and/or who you spend your time with

EMOTIONAL SADOMASOCHISM

  • Since emotional S&M is considered a game, mutual trust is an essential element and requirement between partners.
  • Emotional S&M will not involve attempts to isolate you from those you love.
  • Humiliation is a type of emotional S&M, but this activity only occurs in pre-negotiated, mutually consensual environments.
  • Withholding affection can sometimes be used as a means of punishment in power dynamics, but kinksters understand the high emotional risk of such activity and establish a safe word and aftercare.
  • Verbal threats can be a component of emotional S&M, but these activities are performed as role-playing in a pre-established space—in fact, he would never do them in real life, and it's all done with consent.
  • There are regular check-ins and independence between partners is encouraged.

3. Financial Abuse VS Financial Domination

  • FINANCIAL ABUSE

    The act of one partner forcing or attempting to make the other partner financially dependent.

  • FINANCIAL DOMINATION

    Power exchange involving a dominant partner taking over the submissive partner's finances. This activity is only performed with explicit consent and compliance with agreed-upon boundaries.

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EXAMPLES:

FINANCIAL ABUSE

  • He takes control of your finances and refuses to share money or allow you to make financial decisions about purchasing, saving, etc.
  • It denies you access to money, even in an emergency
  • Discourages or prohibits you from attending school or having a job

FINANCIAL DOMINATION

  • Control and decisions of actual finances come with mutual consent
  • A dominant person would never deny access to money in case of emergency or when the submissive party explicitly asks for it.
  • As with any healthy power dynamic, independence is promoted and professional and personal growth is encouraged.

Conclusion

Let's always remember that no one deserves to be abused , and for no reason! Abuse is not your fault, and you are not alone. If you believe you are experiencing abuse, you can reach out for help and receive assistance in your area.

Here I leave two contacts to always keep in mind: